It’s hard for me to admit that I had a serious “Mum fail” as Lara likes to call them. I said something in the moment, that whilst factual really shouldn’t have slipped out of my mouth. But there are times when parents are so worn out that the thought “you’re being a f#cking turd” is out there in the ether before you even realise.
After a decent time out that gave both of us the opportunity to calm down and gather ourselves I went and apologised for my behaviour. Note that my eight year old who was being down right nasty to her kind, loving seven year old sister felt no need to apologise for her behaviour. TURD!
A few days later I was tidying up their shared bedroom and found a note describing the incident where Lara wrote “seriously, did she even go to Mum school?”. The simple answer is, “no, I did not”. When my kids were younger parenting came blissfully easy and naturally to me. However, with life being busy now, and kids growing up so quickly it’s harder to stay on my toes. Add to that, that I have proudly raised two strong willed people who like to test boundaries and I won’t discourage that in many aspects.
Parents Need Practice
Parenting isn’t a walk in the park in our house-or when we go to a restaurant, shop or friends house really. Honestly, I’m glad that my daughters challenge authority even though I was aware of the challenge I was creating for myself. Parents with easy to manage children often don’t understand the strong willed ones. The behaviour is often put down to bad parenting.
After the biggest parent fail I sat down and talked to Lara about the fact that there isn’t Mum school. That I’m trying to raise my children without smacking, with minimum yelling and with digital exposure which is very different to my childhood. So we are figuring things out together. I asked her if she wanted to come to the library with me to get some books for parents for me to go to Mum school. This was the best activity the two of us have done together in a long time.
Setting Limits With Your Strong Willed Child by R.L. MacKenzie
Lara giggled as she selected books off the library shelf that I needed to read. We had a good laugh together when I selected the book Setting Limits With Your Strong Willed Child by R.L. MacKenzie. Note the operative word “with”.
‘Strong-willed children….are the real “movers and shakers” in the world….they frequently test limits and authority’ (page 42 MacKenzie 2001). This book goes on to say “We have to be at the top of our game…if not, we will pay a dear price with exhaustive testing and power struggles”. There’s a reason why I’m always tired.
A few of my friends have a first born compliant child and a strong willed one for the second that leaves them stumped. I often remind myself, and my loved ones that strong willed children are constantly collecting data. If we don’t give them consistent data they will test it further. Really, they are just smart (ass) little scientists.
Whilst months later I am still beating myself up about the Mum Fail, I am slowly starting to focus more on the positive learning that I managed to turn this experience into. Perhaps reading the following words enabled me to do this more “Certainly we’ll all mess up…What’s important is that we make amends when we mess up so that our children don’t think our mistakes are their fault. The good news is that every mistake is a chance to model empathy for ourselves so that our children learn mistakes are normal and don’t diminish us” (page 263, Lehr, Parent Speak).
Parent Speak
Parent Speak really struck a chord with me when I read “it can feel overwhelming…to be the one to break cycles, learn new skills, and heal all wounds so that we can be the parents our kids deserve” page 262. There are so many generational cycles that need to be broken in so many families.
“With the proper guidance and direction, your strong-willed child can grow up to become a responsible, cooperative, respectful, and dynamic individual” (page 318 MacKenzie 2001). Or, as I’ve been heard saying “She will either run a company or a prison one day”.
Our kids need to know that we are their calm, reliable rocks. They need to know that we are always there for them, no matter what, and the best way we can prove to them that they can trust us and depend on us is simply by listening, really listening. I can confess to not listening at times since I have a child that talks non-stop.
Please don’t think I’m preaching here. I’m certainly not perfect, and probably don’t manage this half of the time. That’s why I needed to read the books to be reminded in the moment.
Life is a Learning Curve for Kids and Parents
The biggest learning curve for my kids and I has been confessing that I don’t have all the answers. I’m learning just as they are. Adults that admit that they make mistakes, own them and apologies for them really empower the young people around them with a life skill.
Goodluck on your journey parents! May our children always know that we love them and are doing the best we know how.
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